Long before smiling faces, shiny new toys, witty emoji play and seemingly perfect lives became commonplace on your Facebook timeline, aka your convenient portal to the outside world– the Earth turned to a different beat that was softly playing in the stars.

You see, when the earth was young, three wise men met in a manger and shared a secret that has been buried behind a millennia’s worth of secrecy, smoke screens and illusions. This secret was about happiness and how to find it.

This secret is said to be so controversial that the thought of sharing it in public forces the secret holder burden the weight of the disbelieving masses – a heavy lift indeed.

With modern society’s bumper-sticker-mentality and my-life-is fucking-amazing-so-like-my-picture  social media craze, we all have forgotten a simple truth.

So I need to ask you something.  Are your nipples hard yet? Do you want…