A Symbolic Moment

There are things we can’t control in life. Having cancer certainly ranks up there. The inevitable hair loss certainly rates. Loss of control isn’t easy.  Symbolic moments crystalize key events in life. I just had a big one tonight.

My daughter says “Dad, you have hair on your shirt.” I was wearing a dark shirt from work. My hair stood out against it. I reached up, right in the middle of our kitchen, and smarted off while pulling sharply on some hair: “it isn’t coming out yet.”

I stared at the hair clump in my hands.

I smiled and posed for the camera. I pulled more hair and made the worst hair jokes I could muster. Really, not a big deal. Would rather pull the hair out or have it shaved off than have two nights of hair grind into my pillow.

The comments on Facebook are fun. I appreciate the bravado and the energy that comes with the symbolic losing of hair. I called my oldest little brother and we spoke a while.

I can’t control much in life truly. I can control my reactions to what happens, right? Well I can try anyways. Sometimes, there are depths of the human soul that are beyond the reach of any rational choice. Life circumstances can shake someone deep inside for any given reason beyond their control. 

I’m a happy guy 9 times out of 10.

This is that 1 of 10 I can’t seem to reach deep enough to touch the depth of sadness that is bottoming out. I’ve had a trap door in my soul open up and let loose the ugly outward symbolic loss involved with having cancer.

I’ll be ok. It is just hair. It will grow back. The sadness will depart. I’ll keep my smile on, go curl up on the couch, get some rest, and let the likes on Facebook climb higher and higher while I attempt to control that which I cannot control.

About Robert I Baxter

Greatest Commandment is #1. Follower of Jesus, husband, father, RN, love photography, cancer survivor of Burkitt's twice (2008 & 2014). Stem Cell transplant November 2014. Work in a neonatal ICU.
This entry was posted in burkitts, cancer, chemotherapy, healing, lymphoma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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